Does Sex Feel Like an Obligation?
When I work with my clients in couples therapy, it’s common for the male to report “not enough sex” and for the female to report “he wants sex too much”. Many women report to me that sex feels like an obligation to them.
This isn’t always the case, but about 80% of the time, this is the way it goes. Stereotypically for women, there needs to be emotional intimacy before there can be physical intimacy. For men, the opposite exists where there needs to be physical intimacy and then they feel the emotional intimacy. That way of functioning sets a couple up for failure.
Dad reaches out to “cuddle” and Mom immediately shoves him away. Mom knows “cuddle” does not just mean “cuddle”. She wants to send the message strongly that it is not going to happen tonight. Sound familiar?
A Moms Job is Never Over
When there is physical rejection, it pushes the male away, which is the exact opposite of what the woman wants (emotional connection). The female isn’t ready yet because she’s exhausted, anxious, or “touched out”. Many times, especially for a busy mother, the thought of gaining an emotional connection isn’t even on the radar.
All she wants is to not be needed for a couple of hours. Moms are pulled on, tugged on, and asked to do every role there is for everyone else. She does it because she loves the little people in her house. By the end of the day, she is empty. There is not much left to give. She wants an act of kindness: Just leave me alone so I can decompress.
The simple act of touch sends a message to Mom that her job isn’t over and she has to keep giving. Poor Dad. Poor Mom. It’s no surprise that sex feels like an obligation, as it is one more thing someone else needs. Fast forward 18 years and they are empty nesters and don’t even know each other anymore.
How To Prevent Making Sex Feel Like an Obligation
How do we prevent this? Many times we are rolling through life in survival mode sleep deprived. There are definitely seasons for that. However, seasons can not become our norm.
Date Nights:
Schedule Date Nights like you would prioritize your child’s doctor’s appointments.
Get Me-Time:
Make sure Mom gets her “me-time” as often as possible. Ex: Use the local gym and daycare that you trust so you can take a shower without worrying when the baby will cry or your children will start fighting over a video game.
Don’t Look at Sex as a Job:
Change the mindset of “sex is a job” to “Mom deserves some fun too”. Communicate or create a homework assignment to focus only on Mom one night for physical intimacy. This can mean a massage only with no expectations unless Mom wants to initiate further. You can interpret that however, you want!
Learn From Dr. Gottman
You can also find more tips on what women need with the most renowned couples scientist there is, Dr. John Gottman, here.
Look to Sue Johnson
Read “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson. That book could put me out of a job, it’s so good. Therapy is ideal but if you’re on a tight budget, find that book on Amazon and read it together.
Find Support With Couples Therapy
If you need further help, look into couples therapy. We serve couples in the Wellington, West Lake, and Palm Beach Gardens, FL area and we can do online therapy in the state of Florida as well. We can work on this together. You and your marriage deserve it!
Ready to Begin Couples Therapy in Wellington, West Lake, or Palm Beach Gardens, FL?
Take the first step towards revitalizing your intimacy and connection by starting couples therapy. Unleash the power of open communication and explore new ways to deepen your connection with a therapist at The Marriage Couch. Invest in your relationship and embark on a journey of growth and fulfillment together. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
- Schedule a free 15-minute consultation
- Meet with one of our caring couples therapists
- Start reconnecting with your partner in a healthy way!
Other Services Offered at the Marriage Couch
At The Marriage Couch, our team wants to help you and your partner create a healthier relationship where you can have a healthy connection. Our services include Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy in Wellington, Palm Beach Gardens, Loxahatchee, West Lake, and online throughout the state of Florida. We also offer a 5-day Date Your Spouse Challenge as a way to test the waters of our therapy style. This 5-day challenge is appropriate for couples of any level, whether you are simply checking in or truly struggling. Check out our Blog to learn more!
