Music, movies, and literature would have us believe that there is such a thing as “the one” for each of us.
From Taylor Swift to Whitney Houston, we’re told time and time again by leaders of popular culture that the worthiest scavenger hunt we can partake in is the one that ends with us finding our one true soulmate.
As such, we spend our adolescence and sometimes even our adulthood searching for the perfect person, the person who was made to love us and be loved by us. We build a vision of what this person looks like, what they do for a living, the way they laugh, the way they smile, and probably most importantly, the way they treat us.
There are pros and cons to the “soulmate” approach to finding love.
The upside is that when we believe in the concept of having one true soulmate, we spend a lot of time thinking about what we want from our ideal partner. Envisioning “the one” can help explore the kind of relationship you want and the traits you want your partner to have. This is key in the discernment process of relationships.
The downside is that the concept of having one soulmate with whom we are meant to be makes us relationship perfectionists. As soon as our new partner shows up in a less than favorable way or engages in something that was not part of our “vision”, we turn our noses up or even walk away. When we build up an idyllic, perfect version of our soulmate, we set our partners (and ourselves) up for failure. After all, what kind of soulmate would forget to pick up the dry cleaning? What kind of soulmate would leave dishes in the sink? What kind of soulmate would hurt you? The problem with the abstract soulmate is that they are exactly that: abstract. They are not real, fallible human beings.
The first time we realize this, it can be heartbreaking. We set our hearts and minds on someone who up until that moment, is perfect to you.
Then suddenly, they take a step out of line with your vision, and the vision is shattered. This may lead to resentment, conflict, grief, or any number of other outcomes, but by far the most common one is separation. All too often, we walk away from relationships rather than work to improve them, and I believe that the “soulmate” approach to love is the number one cause of this.
As soon as our expectation is not met, we move even higher and go in search of an even less attainable standard in our next partner. This sets off a series of negative experiences with relationships that leave us pining even more than ever before for “the one” who will take it all away and make all our wildest relationship dreams come true. The sad part is that the imperfect partner who you walked away from could have very well helped you reach those dreams, had you given them the chance.
To be clear, discernment and boundary setting are both key in navigating new relationships; however, perfectionism and shame are not part of those processes.
It is healthy and important to have boundaries about how you allow yourself to be treated in a relationship and what you are and are not okay with when it comes to your life partner. The key is how to balance your expectations with your tolerance by recognizing that no matter how clear you are with your boundaries and needs, people are bound to make mistakes and violate those boundaries from time to time.
So where do we go from here?
We’ve spent our whole lives envisioning this perfect soulmate just to have a string of should-be soulmates prove us wrong. The secret is that your soulmate can be whoever you want them to be. You do not find your soulmate; you choose your soulmate. I think that the legendary singer-songwriter Bob Marley said it best: “Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” In other words, we choose whose baggage we want to carry. We choose the set of problems we are willing to tolerate, and we honor the strengths and gifts that they bring too.
There is no such thing as the perfect partner, but there may be a partner that’s perfect for you, complete with flaws, quirks, and imperfections. They likely will not fit the mold you created for that perfect person; in fact, they’ll probably break it. But when the mold breaks, it opens the opportunity for an unexpected new dream to take shape, one that you never could have imagined had you stayed hypnotized by the mold of “perfect” you created before.
Letting go of the mystical “one” is unnerving and difficult to come to terms with.
It forces us to accept that we will never find a partner that does and says all the right things every time. It forces us to be vulnerable and embrace pain and heartache. Further, it forces us to accept that we ourselves cannot be perfect partners either. But the beauty of relationships is that we each bring strengths and weaknesses to the table. Choosing your soulmate instead of finding them allows you to acknowledge and cherish all parts of your partner, both strong and weak. And in doing so, we can learn to honor the light and dark within ourselves as well.
Start Working with A Couples Therapist in Royal Palm Beach, FL
No one can be the perfect partner, but this shouldn’t stop you from creating a strong foundation for your relationship. Our team of caring therapists can help cultivate stronger bonds in Royal Palm Beach and across the state. You can start your therapy journey with The Marriage Couch by following these steps:
- Schedule a free 15-minute consultation
- Work with a skilled therapist
- Start finding love!
Other Services Offered at The Marriage Couch
Our team knows the health of our relationship is important. This is why our team of skilled and caring therapists at The Marriage Couch wants to help you and your partner. We are happy to provide support via Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy in Wellington, Palm Beach Gardens, Loxahatchee, and online throughout the state of Florida. We also offer a 5-day Date Your Spouse Challenge as a way to test the waters of our therapy style. This 5-day challenge is appropriate for couples of any level, whether you are simply checking in or truly struggling. Check out our Blog and Meet our Team for more helpful info!
