As marriage counselors, we keep quoting Dr. Gottman on our social media posts that “small things often” matter the most. While this may get repetitive and boring, it is so very true. Why? Because after a few years with the same person, your relationship may have gotten repetitive and boring, or your communication may have become mundane, accusatory, and defensive. How do you bring back that puppy love that made us connect in the first place? With small things often. But what are these small things? Here are a few ideas from a marriage counselor:
Partings
How do you interact with your partner before you leave for work? Do you work on different
schedules, so one still sleeps when the other leaves? Try to find some way to connect. Not with a to-do list or a list of requests but ask your partner what they are excited about that day. To what are they
looking most forward? Is there anything they are dreading? Connect with their workday but also on a
personal level outside of work. A miracle question you may ask, brought to you by Julie and Jon
Gottman, “What is on your mind and heart?” A parting could also be as short as a six-second kiss and a quick hug. 2 minutes a day x 5 working days = 10 minutes per week.
Reunions
Personally, this was a trigger for me. I was a stay-at-home mom for over 20 years, and by the time my partner came home, I was depleted and often angry. When my kids were young, my husband sometimes had to work long hours, leaving me feeling unsupported emotionally, or physically. Instead of wanting to run to him with a big hug and kiss and tell him how happy I was, he was home, I had to learn to bite my tongue and not curse at him for being home so late. I was not the stay-at-home dream mom of the advertisements of the 1950s. I admittedly had tunnel vision and focused on my pain, not recognizing his.
After much work in therapy on our relationship, we learned how to improve our reunions. For us, it started with connecting emotionally during the day and not letting those feelings of abandonment build. Then we both needed reassurance that our partner did love us and was not avoiding us by working late or caring for the baby. If either was avoiding, working to understand one another’s love languages and see their love improved our relationship. The cycles of pursuit and withdrawal often leave both couples feeling their partner doesn’t love them. One of our therapists can help you learn to stop those cycles and connect in healthy ways. 20 minutes a day x 5 working days = 1 hour 40 minutes per week.
Appreciation and Admiration
How do we show them they are loved? It may take the copious appreciation and admiration to convince your partner they are loved. There is a common misperception that admiration will give someone who seems to have an ego an even bigger ego. For a couple of reasons, affection does not overinflate a self-image. One, often, that perceived ego comes from the inner feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem. The person is trying to convince themselves that they are what they portray themselves to be to others.
Second, genuine appreciation and admiration build trust and connection, not for superficial things that the person can’t control but due to their accomplishments or talents (including fashion or makeup). I am sure some naturally have high self-esteem. Still, it takes a lot of inner work for myself and my spouse. The outer support reinforces and allows us to glimpse how others perceive us, which is often way better than we perceive ourselves. We do not have to share our appreciation and admiration in person. We can express this via phone call or text message. Support your partner throughout the day, wherever they are. Minimum 5 minutes a day x 7 days = 35 minutes per week.
Affection
This may be challenging for young families. Young caretaker gets a lot of touch from their children throughout the day. By the end of the day, sometimes they are done being poked and prodded, and one more request for touch is too much. Partners can continuously show their love outside the bedroom that they are appealing and desirable. We want to know we are attractive even with a messy bun and yoga pants with food or milk stains, or gym shorts and a simple undershirt.
Compare and contrast these sayings: “Honey, I love you so much. You are so beautiful to me just the way you are. May I hold you?” to “I just need five minutes of your attention.” Which one makes your partner feel held and supported, and which gives them one more person for which to care? We are here to support each other, not to fulfill anyone’s needs. If we are not willing to offer support, affection dies. However, sometimes five minutes a day of cuddling or a neck or back rub is enough. Minimum 5 minutes a day x 7 days = 35 minutes per week.
Date Night
For new couples, date nights are big to-dos. You pick the perfect outfit. You ensure
excellent personal hygiene and your hair and make-up are on point. For more seasoned couples, date nights can either be taken entirely off the calendar due to busy kids’ schedules and lack of planning or too routine. Shake it up and be creative. Try something new together. Learn a new talent. Play, talk, and learn about your partner. There is always more to learn, even when you think you know everything.
Find Creative Date Night Activites
We post many creative date night ideas weekly on our social media pages. There are also creative date night ideas in books or cards your therapist can recommend. 2 hours once a week. “State of the Union Meeting” – This is what Dr. Gottman and Julie Gottman call it. Come up with your unique name for it. During this safe time, you may discuss any concerns, achievements, or progress related to your relationship. Take this opportunity to plan for fun date nights or weekend getaways. Do not take this time for family planning. The emphasis for this meeting is on the couple. Discuss how you are trying to support your partner.
Communicate Your Needs
Take this opportunity to share ways your partner can better support you. Communicating your needs with your partner lets them know that you trust them and are willing to be vulnerable and allow them to help you. The vulnerability may be difficult for the doer in the relationship. And it may feel awkward initially for the partner that gets “taken care of” more often.
Show Love Through Acts of Service
Even in a relationship where one partner shows love through acts of service, sometimes there is a disconnect between the actions and what the other needs to feel supported. If the cared-for partner shares their needs, they seem ungrateful for the many beautiful things done for them. Whatever your busy schedule as a student, employee, or parent should not take all your time leaving none for your partner. If your partner needs support, make time to help them. They allow you to serve them and draw you closer together. When partners feel supported, they want to reciprocate that support for their partner. Meeting together as a couple allows time to share those desires and needs. 1 hour once a week.
The Math:
10 min + 40 min (Part of Reunions) + 10 min (the two 5s off the 35 minutes) = 1 hour
+60 min (The rest of reunions) = 1 hour
- 60 min (the two 35s minus their fives – Affection, Admiration & Appreciation) =1 hour
- 2 hours
- 1 hour
6 hours
Six hours of 168 hours a week
If you sleep 8 hours a day = 56 hours a week,
Spend an average of 3 hours eating each day = 21 hours a week,
Have a difficult job and work 60 hours a week.
We have 168-56-21-60 = 31 hours post sleep, meals, and work. We should have 31 hours left for our
kids’ extra-curricular activities, school activities, shopping, gym time, religious worship, and recreation.
Out of 31 hours, is six hours too much for the person who should be the love of your life? Remember,
you can multitask at least one of those meals on date night or for a State of the Union meeting.
Prioritize your partner and make these six small things a standard part of your week.
Meet With a Marriage Counselor in Royal Palm Beach, FL
If you and your partner are struggling to reconnect, don’t wait to take action. Our team of skilled marriage counselors at The Marriage Couch understands relationships and how important they are. We’re here to help provide you and your partner with a safe and supportive space to work through your relationship issues. To get started follow these three simple steps:
- Work with a caring Marriage Counselor
- Begin reconnecting with your partner and overcoming your relationship issues!
Other Services Offered at the Marriage Couch
Your relationship is important and our team of marriage counselors at The Marriage Couch understands. We want to help you and your partner work on your connection with as much support and guidance as you need to resolve any marital issues. Our services include Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy. We also offer a 5-day Date Your Spouse Challenge today as a way to test the waters of our therapy style. This 5-day challenge is appropriate for couples of any level, whether you are simply checking in or truly struggling. Check out our Blog and Meet our Team!
