At The Marriage Couch, about 30% of our clients have infidelity in their history. Sometimes it’s a new thing and they want to face it immediately. The pain is excruciating and the confusion is paralyzing. You’re living in chaos, trying to function while keeping your job and your family stable and staying away from conflict. Other times, the history of infidelity is there for years and tends to rear its ugly head during the worst times. There’s a hope that you’ve forgiven all, but it keeps popping up in every explosive fight. Continually ripping open the wound all over again.
So is it Possible to Truly Forgive After Infidelity?
The short answer is yes. However, there is a process to this. In our practice, we use an intervention where we focus on Atonement and then Attunement. Atonement is the process of reconciliation where the partner who hurt the other shows remorse and tries to repair. Attunement is focusing in on the void that was there in the first place and fixing that so this does not ever happen again.
Attunement
The most important part of Attunement is that the partner who betrayed the other must be remorseful and want to seek forgiveness. If the partner is the perpetrator who does not want to seek forgiveness and shows no remorse, it will not be possible for the partner who was betrayed to have any desire to move on.
Another crucial piece when working through attunement is that the extramarital affair must no longer still be in communication with the partner who betrayed. If they’re “just friends now”, NO. If they’re colleagues and “have to talk”, NO. Sure, you can absolutely try this, but it will be a long, drawn-out, painful experience. An experience that won’t allow the betrayed partner to have any ability to regain trust. Their brain will tell them that there are red flags constantly. It will result in frequent arguments with very little movement forward. If this is a work colleague, and you absolutely must still work there, establish proper boundaries immediately.
During marriage counseling and couples therapy, our therapists can work with you on this situation, but that is going to be a more difficult path. It’s doable but difficult. The best advice we can give is to completely disconnect from the person the extramarital affair was with. That’s the quickest and most thorough way to heal. It also gives the partner who was betrayed the most proof that something is going to change.
Atonement
The next step, after some time in the Attunement area, is Atonement. Atonement is coming face to face with the void that existed in the marriage in the first place. People do not usually wake up one day and think to themselves, “Today is going to be a great day to ruin my marriage!”. There are reasons the marriage was hurting. Perhaps it was a lack of communication, intimacy, or feelings of powerlessness.
Whatever the reasons are, we focus on those reasons and work through them. It must be highlighted and repeated, this can only be accomplished after there has been remorse and moving toward some forgiveness (atonement). We can not expect a betrayed partner to be fine with hearing how they never cooked dinner for their spouse when they have just been cheated on. After the atonement, it is very possible to focus on the voids. Usually, people tend to know what those voids are without having to be told by their partner who left the relationship temporarily.
Trauma After The Infidelity Betrayal
Something that must be noted is that betrayal is a trauma. It sends a message to the brain that you are not safe if you have been cheated on. Your brain will do everything in its power to make sure you are not the fool that allows this to happen again! So you hyperfocus on any red flags that could be signs your partner is cheating again. You need reassurance that you will not go through this repeatedly.
The unfortunate part of this is that usually when a hurt person is seeking reassurance, they lash out, which pushes their partner away. This is the exact opposite of what they were seeking! That then reaffirms that they can not trust their partner even further. We are stuck in a horrific cycle. In therapy, you will work on addressing this need that everything will be OK (which is very normal and healthy), as well as ensuring that your partner recognizes that they need to draw towards you and reassure you, as opposed to withdrawing due to an attack coming.
These paths to forgiveness are completely attainable. We would highly recommend working with your therapist.
If you are in the area of Wellington, FL, Loxahatchee, FL, or Royal Palm Beach, FL, our therapists at The Marriage Couch can see you in person or virtually. If you need help finding a therapist and you live outside of Florida, you can visit The Gottman Method for a therapist that is licensed in your state.
Begin Infidelity Counseling in Loxahatchee, FL
Have you recently been faced with infidelity in your relationship? At The Marriage Couch, our team understands what you’re going through and want to provide you with the support and guidance you need to cope with the betrayal. To begin infidelity counseling follow these three simple steps:
- Contact us to set up an appointment
- Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
- Begin your journey to healing.
Other Services Offered at the Marriage Couch
Your relationship is important and our team at The Marriage Couch understands. We want to help you and your partner work on your connection with as much support and guidance as you need. We offer a 5-day Date Your Spouse Challenge today as a way to test the waters of our therapy style. This 5-day challenge is appropriate for couples of any level, whether you are simply checking in or truly struggling. Check out our Blog and Meet our Team!
