Because of how your body is built we have two general ways of dealing with stress, either we go towards it and try to beat the stressor, or we turn away, and try to ignore it hoping it passes. In relationships this leads to one partner pursing and another withdrawing when problems arise.

It’s easy to think that one style is better than the other, but the truth is both are simply protective strategies. Both are just ways we try to deal with problems and protect ourselves from pain. Watch this video and see if you can see if Jennifer Anniston or Vince Vaughn is the pursuer or the withdrawer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKKyxmf_BR8

Now which one are you?

When pursuers pursue they often times feel like they are too much. Maybe they feel like they want too much, or that they are overwhelming their partner. Trouble is they know they have to deal with the issue or things won’t get better, but they deal with it in a way which overwhelms their partner. Often they feel stuck. Either they don’t deal with it and the issue remains or they do and they push away their partner. It’s a lose lose.

Pursuer qualities:

            -requests and appeals for answers

            -demands

            -an increasingly louder voice

            -blame

            -finger pointing

            -physically following the partner around during conflict

           -criticism

When withdrawers deal with stress, they often struggle with feeling like they just can’t ever get things right. They try to DO all the right things, but its never enough, so they walk around on egg shells wondering when they will mess up again. Withdrawers also tend to unconsciously believe other people aren’t coming for them in their pain and don’t want to hear their hurt. Withdraws tend to be tied in the knot of trying to do things right but getting them wrong, or pulling back and hurting their partner. Another lose lose.

 Withdrawer qualities:

        -a strict reliance on logic

        -a distrust of emotion

        -a strict emphasis on being objective

        -a focus on only the facts

        -avoiding emotional discussions

        -removing oneself from the room 

        -becoming quiet during a heated discussion

After identifying these qualities in yourself and your partner, ponder this next question. Did you know the other person is just trying to deal with their pain?

Now that you’ve identified how you deal with stress, take time to acknowledge your partner’s defense strategy. Have a discussion with them about how you understand that they do this as a coping skill. Talk about ways to allow them that space, while still acknowledging your own coping skills. If this seems to abstract or seems to be a root of a few problems in your relationship, contact a couples therapist to discuss further if desired by both partners.