Written by Kenny Londono, LMFT – December 5, 2024
Juggling Parenthood and Marriage
Adulting is a piece of cake, said no parent ever. Boredom has no place in life for moms and dads. The things that bring couples joy and pleasure are often relegated to a “to-do list” because life gets busy.
One of the main complaints I hear from couples I’ve spoken to throughout the years is that sex is one of those joyous and pleasurable experiences that gets lost in the never-ending to-do list. Parents find themselves so tired and busy that they don’t fit in time for one of marriage’s greatest gifts: physical intimacy. From driving to and from sports and school activities to dealing with work-related stressors, the physical connection can easily grow distant. It’s common for couples to also find themselves emotionally distant when life gets busy. Before you know it, romance becomes the last thing that never happens at the end of yet another hectic day.
Filling Up the Love Jar
I remember attending a weekend Marriage Conference at my church conducted by psychologist Dan Allender twelve years ago. At the time I wasn’t married, and I didn’t have kids. I was a young therapist in training and a single man still trying to figure out the meaning of love and marriage. Perhaps the best insight I gathered from the conference was the importance of filling up each other’s love jar from the moment you wake up—and then continuing to fill it throughout the day. The more you pour into the love jar, the more an individual feels loved, appreciated, and wanted. The more an individual feels loved, appreciated, and wanted, the quicker the physical temperature rises without feeling like an obligation.
Foreplay
Foreplay doesn’t have to be considered something you do sexually to heighten the mood. It begins first thing in the morning—from the moment you decide to do something thoughtful for your spouse by making coffee, to running errands, washing the car, or cooking dinner. From a physical standpoint, foreplay may involve a gentle massage of the shoulders or a foot rub as your spouse’s feet are immersed in warm water and essential oils after a hard workday.
Most men don’t have a hard time starting the process of intimacy; whereas women tend to be driven by affirming words and acts of service the man does for her throughout the day. My observation in working with busy couples and parents is that men and women can equally benefit from filling up each other’s love jar daily, which allows the other to feel more desired, loved, and cherished during and after sex. Building up the anticipation through the words and actions of the day can foster more connection and closeness.
The Love Hormone
Listen, men, if you’re looking to connect intimately with your wife after a long and stressful day, remember that romance is a gradual process, and it starts by speaking her love language. For women, this anticipation creates a natural hormone called oxytocin (known as the “love hormone”), which stimulates a sense of connection, security, and validation. The timing of oxytocin differs for men, as they experience this effect after climax. Studies show that individuals who are sexually satisfied have better overall health, higher quality of life, and more commitment and satisfaction in their relationship. Who doesn’t want that?
Other helpful ideas to increase intimacy with your spouse include creating new rituals of connection. Can you prioritize regular date nights? What’s considered realistic for you? Would you have dates twice a month, or perhaps every month on the day of your anniversary date? If dinner is a hard time, can you schedule an early breakfast or afternoon coffee date? Are there creative ways to fold a quick date into your other routines—for instance, pack a picnic during the kids’ soccer practice?
Let’s Talk About Sex
During the date, have intentional conversations about how you envision intimacy when life becomes busy. Research indicates that couples who talk about sex have more sex that is meaningful. The conversations can include how often, specific dates, or special days in the month to have these meaningful moments together. Perhaps there is a place beside your home and away from kids that creates a safe environment and less worry about potential distractions. Are there boundaries you both want to create for being intimate? What are the do’s and don’ts of your intimate encounters?
Start Working With a Marriage Counselor in Wellington, FL
Ultimately, it’s not such a bad thing to have intimacy on your “to-do list”; just make sure it’s towards the top. If balancing parenthood and intimacy feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. Strengthening your connection takes intention, and professional support can help. You can start your therapy journey with The Marriage Couch by following these simple steps:
- Schedule a free 15-minute consultation
- Work with a skilled couples therapist
- Start cultivating intimacy with your partner
Other Services Offered at The Marriage Couch
Your relationship is important and our team of skilled and caring therapists at The Marriage Couch can offer support. Marriage counseling isn’t the only service that our team offers. Our services include Couples Therapy in Wellington, Palm Beach Gardens, Loxahatchee, and online throughout the state of Florida. We also offer a 5-day Date Your Spouse Challenge to test the waters of our therapy style. This is a 5-day challenge is appropriate for couples of any level, whether you are simply checking in or truly struggling. Check out our Blog and Meet our Team!
