According to the research of John Gottman, the “magic ratio” is 5 to 1.
According to the Gottman Institute, “This means for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions”. Conflict is bound to happen, the important thing is how you respond to it. Being able to recover from conflict is an important skill in any relationship. You can do this by avoiding Gottman’s four horsemen; criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (withdrawing to avoid conflict). These four negative interactions have been proven to predict divorce. Luckily for us, Gottman also researched the four antidotes to the four horsemen. Those are; Gentle start-ups, building a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility, and self-soothing.
Here are some examples of negative interactions, and how to transform them into positive ones.
Interaction 1: Criticism
Criticism: “You never help me around the house. You are so lazy!”
Gentle start-up: “I’m feeling overwhelmed with the housework. Do you think you could help me?”
*Pro Tip: Using “I” statements is a gentle startup that can help you effectively communicate your feelings to your partner. Just say “I feel” or “I’m feeling” followed by the emotion.
Interaction 2: Contempt
Contempt: “For once, couldn’t you just remind me before criticizing me?”
Building a culture of appreciation: “I understand it is frustrating when I don’t complete a task, especially when you work hard to take care of the house. Do you think next time you can give me a reminder?
*Pro Tip: Empathy is a great tool for building a culture of appreciation in your relationship. It can help your partner feel validated, and drive connection in your relationship.
Interaction 3: Defensiveness
Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault I missed the parent-teacher meeting, I was working late. You should have reminded me this morning.”
Taking responsibility: “I’m sorry I missed the meeting. I should have marked it on my calendar. Could you tell me how it went?
*Pro Tip: A true apology involves reflecting on your actions and taking responsibility for them while taking steps to improve things for the future. A sincere apology is a great start to repair after an argument.
Interaction 4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling: “I’m done talking about this” (and walking away), or shutting down and not responding to your partner.
Self-soothing: “I understand this is something important we need to discuss but I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a 30-minute break?
*Pro Tip: Notice what is underlined in the example. This person acknowledges the importance of the conversation so their partner does not feel dismissed, while also using an “I” statement to express how they are feeling. This individual also provides a solution by asking if their partner is okay with taking a short break, while also setting a time limit to act as a promise to return to the conversation after the break.
Start Working With a Relationship Therapist in Wellington, FL
How you and your partner respond to conflict can either help your relationship grow and foster love and connection, or drive disconnection. Using these examples and tips can help you and your partner get to that “magic ratio”! Our team of caring therapists can offer support from our Wellington, FL-based practice. Start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
- Schedule a free 15-minute consultation
- Begin working with a skilled couples therapist
- Start cultivating deeper bonds!
Other Services Offered with The Marriage Couch
At The Marriage Couch, we are here to help you and your partner build a strong and lasting relationship. We are happy to offer a variety of support for couples across Florida. Services offered include Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy in Wellington, Palm Beach Gardens, Loxahatchee, West Lake, and online throughout the state of Florida. We also offer a 5-day Date Your Spouse Challenge as a way to test the waters of our therapy style. This 5-day challenge is appropriate for couples of any level. Visit our Blog to learn more!
