As a couple’s therapist, I am of course passionate (and very biased) about the positive impacts that therapy can have on relationships. Couples therapy is a powerful tool to break down communication barriers and develop a deeper understanding within a relationship. However, there are certainly times when couples therapy is not the right choice for your relationship.
Time
The most consistent and pervasive barrier for couples seeking relationship therapy is time. Couples therapy can be extremely intensive work. Weekly sessions are often clinically indicated at the start of the therapy process in order to build rapport with your therapist and “get the ball rolling” so to speak. Couples that do not have the time in their schedules to fully commit to the process often struggle to build a connection with their therapist and they rarely feel the positive impacts that therapy can have as they return to negative patterns with minimal accountability when they go long periods of time without sessions to course-correct.
It is absolutely imperative that if you and your partner are looking to engage in couples therapy, you be able to put aside ample time to fully commit to the therapeutic process. If you are finding yourselves in a phase of your life where you can’t take time for sessions or you can’t take time to commit to processing and connecting with your partner between sessions, it’s unlikely that your work in couples therapy will bear any fruit.
External Factors: Addiction, Mental Health, and Abuse
Unfortunately, many couples who seek relationship therapy face individual-level struggles in addition to their relationship struggles. These often include addiction and mental health struggles. When there are active, untreated addiction and/or mental health issues in the picture, it can be extremely difficult to resolve relationship-focused issues in a couples therapy setting.
Oftentimes, when these issues run rampant, they “drive the bus” of the relationship in a way that makes it impossible to attack core relationship issues. It is sometimes clinically most appropriate with untreated addiction or mental health diagnoses to have each individual in the couple focus on their own individual therapy and achieve a level of stability in these areas so that they can then show up to couples therapy with their relationship in the driver’s seat instead of their addiction or mental health.
It is also worth noting that the presence of any intimate partner violence or abuse, with or without the presence of addiction or mental health, contraindicates couples therapy. In order for couples therapy to work, both parties must be free to speak openly and honestly about their feelings and experiences in the relationship.
If one or both partners are in fear of retribution or abuse, it completely precludes them from being able to show up honestly to the therapeutic process and can even put them in further danger of reprisal should they attempt to be honest with their therapist about their partner’s violence. If you or someone you know are the victim of intimate partner violence, help is available. Call 800-799-7233 to receive support and resources from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Willingness & Intention
In order to reap the benefits of couples therapy, it is imperative that both parties be ready and willing to actively engage in the therapeutic process and make changes at both a relationship and individual level. The partners that often struggle in therapy are those who believe that they do not have to make any changes within themselves in order to improve their relationship. These are often the partners who voice to me that their partner is the problem and that “if you could just fix them, we’d be fine” or “They’re the one who wants to do this, I’m just along for the ride.” It takes two people to strengthen and weaken a relationship, so logic posits that it certainly takes two to repair it as well. If you are coming to couples therapy believing that you are doing everything perfectly and that you are in no way contributing to the negative dynamics in your relationship, couples therapy may not be for you.
Even if you are willing to work and change at every level, it’s also important that you enter couples therapy with clear and pure intentions if you are to be successful in this process.
Unfortunately, there are many partners who seek out relationship therapy to make their partner change or to “check the checkbox” prior to pursuing divorce or separation when they know very well that they are going to end the relationship. These are not conditions under which couples therapy will thrive. If you or your partner find
that you are going through the motions or are actively pursuing separation or divorce, it will be very difficult to make progress in a couples therapy setting. In order for couples therapy to be most effective, both partners must feel safe knowing that they are working together, with both feet pointed in the same direction, rather than having one partner with a foot already out the door.
Please note that separation-focused couples therapy is absolutely a realm in which partners can make progress when it comes to co-parenting, communication through the divorce process, etc., but this form of therapy is different than the relationship healing therapy we’ve been discussing up to this point.
Start Working With a Couples Therapist in Wellington, FL
Couples therapy can be an amazing tool for strengthening relationships. However, it is critical before embarking on this journey with your partner that you both have the time, stability, safety, and willingness to fully and truly engage in the process. If you are unsure about your relationship’s fitness for therapy, feel free to reach out for a free consultation with one of our therapists to learn more! Start your therapy journey with The Marriage Couch by following these simple steps:
- Schedule a free 15-minute consultation
- Work with a caring marriage counselor
- Learn if couples therapy is the best fit for you!
Other Services Offered at The Marriage Couch
Couples therapy isn’t the only service offered at The Marriage Couch. Our team is happy to offer a variety of services to support your relationship and mental health. We offer services in Wellington, Palm Beach Gardens, Loxahatchee, and online throughout the state of Florida. We also offer a 5-day Date Your Spouse Challenge as a way to test the waters of our therapy style. This 5-day challenge is appropriate for couples of any level, whether you are simply checking in or truly struggling. Check out our Blog and Meet our Team!
