With Mother’s Day fast approaching, many mothers are looking forward to being celebrated and affirmed for their role within their families. With this upcoming holiday in mind, it seemed as good a time as any to explore parenting and the importance of effective co-parenting in blended family relationships.
Consistency
One of the primary keys to effective co-parenting is consistency. Children no matter what age crave and require predictability and structure in order to thrive. A divorce or separation can most certainly threaten their ability to attain these. A key place that consistency starts is in establishing an agreed-upon narrative to explain the separation or divorce to your child. It is absolutely critical that both you and your co-parent maintain a shared narrative of why your family dynamic is changing. This narrative must be devoid of “bad-mouthing”, bitterness, and contention for your child’s sake. Providing your child with a clear, united, and consistent understanding of why their lives are changing after separation or divorce is critical in establishing some sense of control and awareness in what feels like a completely out-of-control situation.
In order to establish or reestablish a sense of consistency in the family dynamic, a common recommendation that has yielded success for many blended families is what we call “parallel parenting.”
This concept entails working together with your co-parent to ensure that rules, routines, expectations, consequences, etc. stay uniform across households to the best of your abilities. This is no small feat, especially in more contentious situations, but it can be an invaluable practice for establishing a structure for your child after their life has been changed by separation or divorce.
A key addition to this is ensuring consistent parenting schedules for your child. Having a schedule that your child can predict which days they’ll be with one parent versus the other can give them some sense of stability in what their day-to-day lives will look like navigating two households. This in combination with parallel parenting practices will help achieve maximum stability and consistency for your co-parenting family.
Boundaries
Another critical skill in co-parenting in a blended family is establishing effective boundaries that strike a balance between maintaining open communication about your shared child while also protecting your needs and emotional safety after a separation or divorce. This, like every other part of co-parenting, is neither simple nor easy. Your boundaries must be guided by what is best for your child and what’s best for you as an individual.
If you know early on in your co-parenting relationship that speaking face to face will be too difficult for you to either cope with or handle effectively, then perhaps an early boundary is sticking to text or email. If you know that dropping your child off at your co-parent’s home is going to be too overwhelming for you, perhaps you work with your co-parent to establish a neutral exchange point. The boundary that best serves your child while also being true to your emotional needs is the best boundary you can set.
When we talk about boundaries we often only think of external boundaries (the boundaries we set with others), but internal boundaries (the boundaries we set with ourselves) are equally important. A couple of primary internal boundaries that can be beneficial in navigating co-parenting are committing to not talking negatively about your co-parent in front of your child and refraining from cursing or yelling at your co-parent during conflict, especially in front of your child. Setting internal boundaries means looking inward and making a commitment to yourself about how you are going to carry yourself, communicate your needs, and make peace with your own habits and impulses in a blended family dynamic.
Self-Care
Last but certainly not least, it is critically important to employ effective self-care practices when navigating your role in your blended family. Co-parenting is certainly not for the weak and almost always takes a toll on all parties involved. It is of the utmost importance that you find and engage with your own support system of friends, family, hobbies, etc. that will allow you to blow off steam, vent, or do whatever else you need to do in order to take care of yourself when things inevitably get tough during this journey. Making this a priority will benefit you emotionally and make it easier for you to refrain from accidentally letting off steam in your child’s direction.
Remembering Your Priorities
The number one thing to remember when it comes to co-parenting skills is that the priority always and absolutely must be your child’s needs. It can be difficult after a separation or divorce not to become overwhelmed by your feelings about the dissolution of the relationship; however, as an effective parent, you cannot allow these difficult feelings to get in the way of your judgment about what’s best for your child. Do not allow yourself to place your child in the middle between you and your co-parent. Take care of yourself, hold boundaries with yourself, and challenge yourself to rise above behaviors that serve you at the expense of what’s best for your child. If your child’s needs are your North Star, it will be much harder to go wrong.
Savanna Deiser, LCSW, LICSW
Start Working With a Parent Counselor in Wellington, FL
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- Schedule a free 15-minute consultation
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Other Services Offered with The Marriage Couch
At The Marriage Couch, we are here to support you in managing healthy relationships with your co-parent and blended family. Our services include Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy in Wellington, Palm Beach Gardens, Loxahatchee, West Lake, and online throughout the state of Florida. We also offer a 5-day Date Your Spouse Challenge as a way to test the waters of our therapy style. This 5-day challenge is appropriate for couples of any level. Visit our Blog to learn more!
