Conflict Happens- How to Keep Your Relationship Healthy After Conflict

By: Crystal Gonzalez, LMHC, The Marriage Couch LLC

I get it, we all do it, and we all get to the point where we say things we don’t mean out of anger and frustration. We get defensive. Our words become our greatest weapon against the one we love most. Never could we have imagined that Happily Ever After included moments of defeat and hurt, but they do.

No couple is perfect, every couple is an individual and each individual has opinions and thoughts that, at times, differ from their spouse. The differing of thoughts, opinions, and feelings can be a breeding ground for disagreements and arguments. 

The Four Horsemen and How They Cause Conflict

Dr. John Gottman, through his over 40 years of research, found that there are four specific behaviors, that, when they are occurring in a relationship, can be predictors of impending separation and/or divorce. These four behaviors are referenced as “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.”

The four behaviors include Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Understanding and building on your knowledge of each of these four behaviors is the first step to guarding against the four horsemen and having a healthier outcome to inevitable conflict. Replacing the behaviors of the four horsemen with more helpful behaviors, what we therapists call “antidotes”, is the second step, and one that takes time, intentionality, and effort, in which couples therapy can be deemed most beneficial. 

Couples Therapy Can Be Beneficial to Keep a Healthy Relationship

If the “antidotes” aren’t used and the four horsemen take the reins of an argument consistently in a relationship, Dr. Gottman could predict with 96% accuracy that the relationship would end in separation and/or divorce. Another predictor of relationship healthiness was if the couple made a successful repair during and post-conflict. So how are repairs made? We’ve spewed the poison, we’ve hurt our spouse, the argument went in the complete opposite direction than we intended, and now we are supposed to make a repair and build trust…. how is that even a possibility? 

How Couples Therapy Will Help Your Relationship

I’ll try to lay the framework—- but I have to say, couples therapy is going to be your biggest investment into your relationship, it is where you will learn the skills in a very deep way, where you will learn to effectively apply the “antidotes”, and where you will have accountability and intentionality into reversing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

However, for the sake, of writing this blog and for the sake of education, I will give very basic knowledge about repair-making in the aftermath of a conflict or a regrettable incident. 

How To Repair Your Relationship With The Gottman Checklist

Dr. John Gottman created a repair checklist based on his four decades of research. The Gottman Repair Checklist includes over 70 statements in six different categories, to guide couples into making meaningful repairs and begin to communicate with each other. Let’s dive deeper into the six different repair categories below.

I Feel

Letting your partner know your vulnerable feeling tied to the argument and/or disagreement. When we give our partner a glimpse into our own feelings and vulnerability, defensiveness subsides allowing room for understanding and compassion to become more present.

Examples can include, “I feel inadequate right now. Can you please rephrase that?” or “I’m feeling worried right now.

Sorry

Accepting blame and responsibility for our own part of the argument and/or disagreement eases our partner’s defensiveness. I know, I know saying sorry can feel like defeat, but it is important to recognize that you and your partner are not opponents but, instead, team members trying to reach a common goal. A sorry might just be the olive branch needed to heal the relationship after a conflict.

Examples can include, “My reaction was very extreme, I’m sorry about that.” or, “Let me say that in a softer way.”

Get to Yes

Getting to some sort of agreement, showing your partner that you can compromise, and demonstrating flexibility in reaching a solution together.

Examples can include, “Let’s compromise here.” or, “I agree with this part of your point of view.”

I Need to Calm Down

Taking ownership when you are escalating and using a repair to allow for de-escalation and calming.

Examples can include, “Can we take a break?” or, “I’m starting to feel flooded.” 

Stop Arguing!

Stopping the argument before it becomes toxic. Slowing the argument down— stopping the potential for The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse to take control.

Examples can include, “Let’s stop for a while.” or, “Let’s agree to disagree for right now.” 

I Appreciate

My favorite one, as what better way to make a repair than increasing your relationship’s love bank? Partners respond positively to positive praise and admiration.

Examples can include, “Thank you for,” or, “I love you.” 

Conflict Happens, But You Can Make It Positive

Conflict happens in marriage. Really, it’s inevitable. Dr. Gottman did not predict that if a couple had a conflict, they would have impending doom, rather he found that conflict happened in all couples. In fact, there is research that states that conflict can be a positive factor in a relationship. Healthy conflict resolution allows for change and growth within a relationship.

The difference, however, is that happy couples make repairs during and after conflict happens to better allow for healthy resolution and progress. The Masters of Relationships can admit their fault, they can take ownership for their part of the argument, and they are able to realize that a repair is a step to building on the relationship and learning how to grow together.

Master of Relationship realizes their partner and their relationship are most important and repairs allow for healing and growth to begin. So, are you ready to learn how to be a Master? 

To schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and to learn more about Gottman Method Therapy, repair making, and the antidotes to The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse please call The Marriage Couch at 561-424-7175.  If you are in the area of Wellington, FL, our therapists at The Marriage Couch can see you in person or virtually. Within the greater state of Florida, we can work with you virtually. Click here if you need help finding a therapist and you live outside of Florida for a therapist that is licensed in your state.

Start Couples Therapy in Royal Palm Beach, FL

Tired of the conflict in your relationship? At Marriage Couch we understand how important your relationship is and want to offer a safe space to support and guide you, and your partner when resolving the conflict in your relationship. To get started follow these simple steps:

1. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation
2. Meet with one of our caring couples therapists
3. Solve the conflict between you and your partner to create a healthier relationship.

Other Services Offered at the Marriage Couch

Your relationship is important and our team of therapists at The Marriage Couch understands. We want to help you and your partner work on your connection with as much support and guidance as you need to create a healthy relationship. We offer a 5-day Date Your Spouse Challenge today as a way to test the waters of our therapy style. This 5-day challenge is appropriate for couples of any level, whether you are simply checking in or truly struggling. For more about us, check out our Blog and Meet our Team!